H and I are for...

Health

Health, particularly GOOD health covers such the whole person. It takes in mental, physical, spiritual, and social aspects of a person life. We are more than someone with a temperature at 98.6, regular pulse, and no aches and pains. And it's only when something goes wrong when you begin to realize how precious Health in all its aspects can be. I was born with defunct kidneys. A genetic 'oops' and here I am, two transplants and one kidney that works and three that don't, two of them being mine originally, the third being my mother's that worked very hard and admirably but after 16 years, could not stand up to the harsh immunosuppressive drugs anymore. I am on new immunosuppressive drugs that are kinder to this new kidney, but their side effects are still harsh. There are days I can't stray too far from a toilet. There are always books in my bathroom because when I'm in there, staring at the texture on the bathroom walls can make for some unamusing times. But other than that, I would say that I am a lot more healthy than I could have been. And I have my mental health, which I can't appreciate enough these days.

I can't allow myself to think of what I'm missing, of how I would have loved to get involved in sports and been a more rough-and-tumble sort of gal. Instead, I take joy in every day.

Independence
I am still not what I consider 'fully independent'. I am a part time nurse and a full-time student. I rely on my parents for their insurance to cover my drugs. I rely on my very generous uncle and aunt to allow me to stay in their basement. Everyone has been so kind to me but I still chafe a little. I want to have my own place. I want to have money so I can buy furniture. I want to be free of schools and tests and test anxiety where my brain takes one look at the multiple choice on those computer screens and whizzes all my studies in one panic-inspired puddle on the floor. But I dream that one day, I can be a full time nurse and only that. I dream of working Labor & Delivery not just for the babies (I'm not as crazy about babies as you might think) but because it's possibly the cleanest part of the hospital and I will have a reduced chance of catching something, particularly because of my suppressed immune system.

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Now an admission of my own folly. Remember how I was whinging about the border of the Mountain Peaks Shawl? Let me tell you why it's become my nemesis in knit. The biggest problem is aluminum needles. Those are Susan Bates circs I'm using and I would have gone with wooden, I really would have, but I can't stand the sound of wood. I once got a papercut on a cardboard box (yeah, I don't know how it happened either) and since then, the sound of wood rasping makes my toes curl and my throat constrict. Argh! And the rest is just me thinking it's a good idea to watch anime with subtitles while knitting something this complex. Yeah, I'm not terribly bright. However, I've since managed about four repeats of the border without incident. I'm starting to defeat this monster!